1. 3 Jun


    It’s been a year and I’m still hurting.

    It’s been a year and I’m still hurting.

     

  2. 31 Jul



    Eight weeks

    It has been eight whole weeks. I cannot believe I have made it this far. My baby died eight weeks ago, and I am so much further along than I thought I would be. I would have found out if you were a boy or a girl this week, I would have shared the news with everyone that I love. Unfortunately I found out you were a little girl, and it was because you were a girl you passed away. I love you so much, and it is a hard love to explain.

    I am so thankful for those people I have in my life, and I wouldn’t be okay without them. These last eight weeks have shown me how strong I am, and how strong I have the potential to be.

    Now just to tackle the HUGE art ‘block’ I have and try to make something…

     

  3. 5 Jul



    I got my karyotyping back..

    My baby died of :

    Turner Syndrome 

    Definition

    Turner syndrome is a chromosomal disorder affecting females wherein one of the two X-chromosomes is defective or completely absent.

    Description

    Chromosomes are structures in the nucleus of every cell in the human body. Chromosomes contain the genetic information necessary to direct the growth and normal functioning of all cells and systems of the body. A normal individual has a total of 46 chromosomes in each cell, two of which are responsible for determining gender. Normally, females have two X-chromosomes and males have one X and one Y-chromosome.
    In Turner syndrome, an error occurring very early in development results in an abnormal number and arrangement of chromosomes. Most commonly, an individual with Turner syndrome will be born with 45 chromosomes in each cell rather than 46. The missing chromosome is an X-chromosome. The affected person is always female.
    The prevalence of Turner syndrome is widely reported as being approximately one per 2,000 live female births, although researchers have reported prevalence rates that range from one in 3,125 to one in 5,000 live female births.
    About 1% to 2% of all female conceptions have a missing X-chromosome. Of these, the majority (99%) spontaneously abort, usually during the first trimester of pregnancy. With ultrasound being used more frequently, researchers have realized that some pregnancies with a missing X-chromosome that progress into the second trimester are associated with nuchal cysts, severe lymphedema, or hydrops fetalis. These pregnancies are associated with a high frequency of fetal death.
     

  4. 4 Jul



    Anonymous asked: Honestly I think you sharing your story with others is a very powerful thing. I love, love, LOVE that you put emphasis on the fact that your initial decision was YOUR choice--and I extend my condolences for your miscarriage.

    Thank you. I am very lucky and have the best support system. That’s the only reason I feel strong enough to share my story. I think it helps others know that they aren’t the only one thinking that way. I didn’t always valued the life that I was making, and it took me weeks to make the choice and keep it. But once that moment hit me, I knew that there were other women who were making a different decision, and I respect them so much for that. 

    It was always MY CHOICE and that the way it should ALWAYS be.

     

  5. 3 Jul



    I feel somewhat lucky..

    My miscarriage happened one day shy of 10 weeks. I was going to change my life for my baby and I was going to have to bust my ass everyday to give my child the best life possible. 

    Wanna know the kicker? At a test that would have happened at 12-14 weeks (if I would have gotten that far) I would have been told my baby would die before it was born. I could have gotten all the way to the end of the pregnancy and miscarried. The moment I would have found out that my chances of carrying my baby to term were less than 15% I would have aborted. Or that even if I had my child It wouldn’t have lived to be three days old before it passed.

    I got lucky because I wasn’t the one that made the choice. But now sitting and thinking about the fact that I WOULD have chosen that option for me, I feel no guilt. I would make that choice even now. 

    My baby isn’t in heaven, she had no soul. How can you judge my morality if I do not use what you use to base it on? My life would have been hard, and I would have struggled everyday. I as willing to do that because I was making the choice too, but I do not judge those women who choose differently. It is a decision that is hard enough to make without people judging and causing un-needed guilt.

    I honestly believe that no one knows which choice that they would make unless they were actually faced with the decision. 

     

  6. 26 Jun



    In About 12 Hours:

    It has been exactly 3 weeks since I found out I miscarried. Luckily I have an amazing support system, and an amazing new counselor. 

    I am going to be okay. I am going strong enough to handle this ‘event’. I am strong enough.

     

  7. 17 Jun



    Last night,

    I got to speak my crazy mind (which is a parade of unorganized thoughts) with someone who has been through this. She miscarried around the same time I did, and went through the same procedure I did. She listened and she shared. She told me that the burden that she once felt is being lifted a little each day. She has a beautiful baby boy that is the biggest joy in her life and I have seen the love she has for him. 

    She explained her mindset, and explained how she was. She offered to listen whenever I needed it and be there if I wanted to just listen to her story. “You became the member to a club that no one wants to join.”

    I am glad I met this strong woman a little over a year ago, who took the time to talk to me about her personal experience. She didn’t try to tell me how I should feel about all this, but made it a point to tell me what she realized. It made me feel like I am going to  be strong enough to be able to get through this one day.

     

  8. 16 Jun



    For the first time in over two months

    I am completely alone.  I hate it.

     

  9. 12 Jun



    Day 5

    I woke up today and none of it felt real. It all felt like some awful dream. I went to bed pregnant, and woke up alone. The worst is that I lost my partner because of all this. He left me because I wanted to keep the baby. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to carry this burden all on my own, everywhere I go, and he can act like nothing happened. 

    I cant sleep anymore. Whenever I close my eyes I flash back to when I woke up from surgery. The completely confusing first moments of consciousness are all I remember now. It was in those moments that I realized my baby was really gone, and I was truly alone for the first time in 10 weeks.

     

  10. 11 Jun



    Day 4

    Going out into the world for the first time since surgery last week. So far it’s been good to me. I have some of the most amazing people in my life, and they are more than I deserve.

    I will always carry my loss with me, because this one was a small part of me, but i decided to look on her short life as a blessing. In the short 9 weeks I carried her I learned that she was not a burden, but something I can cherish. I truly love her, more everyday, because she showed me what real love is. That makes me lucky.

     

  11. 10 Jun



    Day 3

    Has been easier. 

    But my heart is still broken, and I miss my baby more than anything.

     

  12. 9 Jun



    I love my baby, but the amazing part about living in America is that I had the CHOICE to keep her. I am not an advocate for abortion, but if I would have determined (which I really thought about) it would have been the best choice for me, I would have done it. 

    I made the choice to keep my baby, but even just thinking about all the options I had is what living in a free country is about. I would never judge or talk-down to those that made a different choice than I. They must be strong, because it was hard for me to even think about.

    Unfortunately life had a different plan, and my baby is no longer with me. I had the same procedure done that a women would have done if she decided to abort her pregnancy. It is traumatic, and I really do think that unless you get put into a position that makes you have to choose, you really don’t know what you would do. Because honestly, I thought I’d always choose differently.

     

  13. 9 Jun


    Wrote baby girl a letter today. I put it behind her ultrasound picture I have. This way I can go back and read and add to them whenever I want. I woke up feeling comforted by the fact that I know I will be okay one day. Never the same, but okay. 

    Wrote baby girl a letter today. I put it behind her ultrasound picture I have. This way I can go back and read and add to them whenever I want.

    I woke up feeling comforted by the fact that I know I will be okay one day. Never the same, but okay. 

     

  14. 9 Jun



    Attempting.

    My baby died and I never even felt her move.

    I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that I will be okay if I never fully understand what happened. Although my baby is gone, I will always love her. I have to try and take comfort in knowing that she wouldn’t have had a good life if she was born. 

    I have to try and understand that I may never come to terms with the ‘why’.

     

  15. 7 Jun



    I swear if I hear someone say “I hope you lose your baby” I will kill them myself.

    How dare you wish this pain on anyone.