It has been eight whole weeks. I cannot believe I have made it this far. My baby died eight weeks ago, and I am so much further along than I thought I would be. I would have found out if you were a boy or a girl this week, I would have shared the news with everyone that I love. Unfortunately I found out you were a little girl, and it was because you were a girl you passed away. I love you so much, and it is a hard love to explain.

I am so thankful for those people I have in my life, and I wouldn’t be okay without them. These last eight weeks have shown me how strong I am, and how strong I have the potential to be.

Now just to tackle the HUGE art ‘block’ I have and try to make something…

My baby died of :

Turner Syndrome 

Definition

Description

I got to speak my crazy mind (which is a parade of unorganized thoughts) with someone who has been through this. She miscarried around the same time I did, and went through the same procedure I did. She listened and she shared. She told me that the burden that she once felt is being lifted a little each day. She has a beautiful baby boy that is the biggest joy in her life and I have seen the love she has for him. 

She explained her mindset, and explained how she was. She offered to listen whenever I needed it and be there if I wanted to just listen to her story. “You became the member to a club that no one wants to join.”

I am glad I met this strong woman a little over a year ago, who took the time to talk to me about her personal experience. She didn’t try to tell me how I should feel about all this, but made it a point to tell me what she realized. It made me feel like I am going to  be strong enough to be able to get through this one day.

Going out into the world for the first time since surgery last week. So far it’s been good to me. I have some of the most amazing people in my life, and they are more than I deserve.

I will always carry my loss with me, because this one was a small part of me, but i decided to look on her short life as a blessing. In the short 9 weeks I carried her I learned that she was not a burden, but something I can cherish. I truly love her, more everyday, because she showed me what real love is. That makes me lucky.

Has been easier. 

But my heart is still broken, and I miss my baby more than anything.

I love my baby, but the amazing part about living in America is that I had the CHOICE to keep her. I am not an advocate for abortion, but if I would have determined (which I really thought about) it would have been the best choice for me, I would have done it. 

I made the choice to keep my baby, but even just thinking about all the options I had is what living in a free country is about. I would never judge or talk-down to those that made a different choice than I. They must be strong, because it was hard for me to even think about.

Unfortunately life had a different plan, and my baby is no longer with me. I had the same procedure done that a women would have done if she decided to abort her pregnancy. It is traumatic, and I really do think that unless you get put into a position that makes you have to choose, you really don’t know what you would do. Because honestly, I thought I’d always choose differently.

My baby died and I never even felt her move.

I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that I will be okay if I never fully understand what happened. Although my baby is gone, I will always love her. I have to try and take comfort in knowing that she wouldn’t have had a good life if she was born. 

I have to try and understand that I may never come to terms with the ‘why’.

I swear if I hear someone say “I hope you lose your baby” I will kill them myself.

How dare you wish this pain on anyone.

I woke up stunned and confused. My first reaction was to start crying. Over the 3 people saying my name I hear one familiar voice, “Jewel, we finished, you did great. It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to hide that you’re upset.”

My Dr had just finished my D&C to remove my baby, and he was trying to comfort me.

It took awhile for me to figure out what was going on, where my mother was, and why I was so dizzy. I had been asleep for almost 3 hours, and couldn’t shake the anesthesia as fast as I wanted too. I lost a lot of blood, and the Dr had put my recovery nurse on high alert. She had to check me every 5 minutes to see how much blood there was.

My baby is going to have karyotyping done to see why she died, to see if it is something that can be prevented later. My heart is broken, and I am unsure as to when I will be okay. My Dr must have sensed that since he advised my mother that I shouldn’t be left alone for long periods of time for an entire week. Postpartum watch here we go.

Roughly six weeks ago I discovered that I was pregnant. Running through all the options for weeks (I am a huge supporter of pro-choice) and did all my research, I decided to keep the baby, raise him or her on my own.

Today my baby measured exactly 9 weeks and 5 days, he was right on schedule. Unfortunately my doctor was unable to find a heartbeat, one that we saw many weeks before. There was what looked to be swelling on the brain, and a sac around the embryo (I was 2 days away from entering ‘fetus stage’).

My doctor thinks it was a chromosomal disorder that would have either caused a miscarriage much later in the pregnancy, or a baby that would not live long after he was born.

My baby died two days ago, and there was nothing I could do about it. I died a little too.